My Heart Attack Bonus 1: Requiem for Chest Hair
June 7 2017, I sought medical help for chest pains that would turn out to be a heart attack. I did not make that information public at the time. Now I’m telling the story as I feel comfortable with it.
My chest hair has been through a lot.
One of the central diagnostic tools to any kind of cardiac care is an electrocardiogram, ECG or EKG. I was absolutely in the wrong when I sought treatment for my chest pains. Instead of IMMEDIATELY going to the hospital, I tried to wheel and deal with myself to avoid the unnecessary expense of an ER visit. I have insurance, but even with insurance, a brief trip to the ER a year earlier had cost me more than I could afford to pay without constantly juggling my finances. So I went to a walk in clinic at my primary care doctor’s office, and they quickly put electrodes on my chest and took an EKG.
The EKG showed a “normal sinus rhythm.” As you know, they stuffed me on an ambulance with 2 TV EMTs who took ANOTHER EKG, putting their sticky sensor patches next to the first batch. “Just scrub it with some soap and water and peel it slowly, “ the taller EMT offered as advice, it will come off more painlessly.
In the ER, the nurses were no-nonsense. They RIPPED OFF one of the EMT’s largish sensors, taking rounds of chest hair with them, they then sighed heavily and looked at each other as I screamed.
Now my chest was covered with half a dozen sensors all floating atop my chest hair. Each one was going to have to eventually be removed. Some, that I wouldn’t discover for a day or so, were even on my ankles!
Now, I’ve never been one to be vain, and I had never really considered my chest hair as an asset. I had always been fairly heavy in the torso-hair, but lady friends had seemed to think it was okay, and it was rarely a problem. Until now, anyhow.
Once a third normal EKG was taken, they hooked up some MORE sensors that fed a machine that displayed my vital signs. This time, taping an oxygen sensor onto the index finger of my left hand. They seemed to aim for the thickest patches of hair. Did I see a grin? Is this some kind of competition? Maybe a game of, “How many sensors can we stick to one hairy torso!?”
Later, in my room, the nurse would stick a nitro glycerin patch on a different strip of existing collarbone chest hair and tear it off every 6 hours! After a while, I just became the pain of hair being ripped out and just accepted it stone-faced.
When I was taken down for the procedure Friday afternoon, MORE sensors were affixed to my chest, but this time, the nurses quickly looked at each other and decided to shave a bit ‘T’ in my chest hair. I told them they could make it even and shave it all, but they didn’t seem to pay attention. So, they painfully ripped away the sensors in their way and replaced them on skin. Ironically, these would be the MOST PAINFUL removals in an hour of excruciatingly painful sensor removals.
Despite having an artery cut open and a wire passed through to my heart, by far the most pain, besides a poor wrist immobilization, was pulling off these damn sensors.
Each sensor was held fast by a very sticky glue. Even when the damned thing was pulled off (with a solid black patch of chest hair still held to it,) some of the snot-like glue remained, and over time would harden and become difficult to scrape off. I had plenty of chances to try different methods which I’ll share. “Just Rip It Off Quickly” — Bullshit. THIS HURTS and took skin with it! “SLOWLY pull it off” — This worked okay, it was still very painful, but taking it slow, it would hurt really bad not only as the hair is ripped out, but as it slowly peels away a layer of skin. “Soap and Water will remove it” — Although soap and water loosened it, it didn’t remove it! The glue stuck just as hard, and I managed to badly bruise my arm thanks to scrubbing on blood thinner. The best way seemed to be peel a little, then when it hurt worst, take a break, then repeat. I was finding sticky residue all over me for 2 days after I got out and some of them left angry red whelps.
My chest hair currently looks awful, but worst, the edges of the shaved area created a weird sensation when my clothing rubs it! I’m looking forward to it growing back to again give me the cushion I need to comfortably wear clothes!
Maybe this is TMI. Maybe it’s not. Either way, it’s one of the big issues of my hospital stay.