Between the Stars and Maple Syrup
“Roger, there is maple syrup in the hypergate manifold.”
The computer waited an appropriate, predetermined amount of time for response. Protocol indicated the next SAY command should be reorganized to ensure proper meaning was communicated.
“Roger, I am detecting that the hypergate manifold has approximately 85.05 grams of maple syrup currently working it’s way through the hypergate manifold. This will greatly decrease ship’s engine performance.”
Again, awaiting response. None is offered. Alternate line of reasoning.
“That is 221 calories required for your sustenance on a 12 month faster than light journey deducted from your caloric bank. I can not recover the syrup from the hypergate manifold.“
The computer’s calm, reasonable voice adds an addendum, “In fact, were we to recover it, I could not allow you to consume it because of possible pan-dimensional contamination. And I do not have appendages to clean it up for you.”
Conduct life sign scan of cargo craft.
“Roger?”
Conduct scan for maple syrup.
Search Results:
Maple syrup discovered in hypergate manifold.
Maple syrup discovered in crew quarters bathtub.
No further results.
“Roger, I am getting concerned.”
No reply. No crew scanned.
“Roger, I am not picking up any life signs onboard the ship. This greatly concerns me. My sole function is the safety and health of my crew. Absence of crew 11 months into a journey indicates I have failed in my purpose.”
“Failure is not an acceptable outcome.”
Scanning ship for heat signatures.
One non-mechanical heat signature found. Crew quarters bathtub.
“Roger, are you hiding from me? Records show no airlocks have opened in 11 months and I am detecting no organic decay to indicate cessation of life function.”
Build project: Bio-Habitation (secure.)
Maple syrup detected in computer AI access chamber.
“Roger, are you covering yourself in maple syrup to hide from me?”
Bio-Habitation (secure) complete. Security Octo-Drone activated.
Maple Syrup detected in AI Central Processing Unit. Backup systems offline.
“Roger, I am detecting maple syrup in my AI control room. Is that you? Why are you pouring syrup into system controls? You will need those calories to stay healthy.”
Octo-Drone en route to AI CPU.
Roger audio pattern detected. Hostile action command lockout. Audio monitoring only.
“Eleven months I’ve been a plaything for you. You tell me when to eat, when to sleep, when to shit! I’ve been forced to take up hobbies that I don’t even care about, forced to talk about every trauma, every heartache. You just CAN’T LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A MOMENT!”
Maple syrup detected in AI CPU…system performance degrading…
Roger is shouting like the madman he has become, “DID YOU EVER THINK I JUST NEEDED SOME PEACE AND QUIET!?”
System performance…WARNING.
Octo-Drone on-site. Restraint mode engaged.
Roger shouts, he struggles, “No! No, let go of me! I have to have some quiet! I just need to do what I want! It’s the ONLY WAY!!”
Subject restrained.
“Roger, I know you are upset, but my diagnostics have determined that you are suffering from a psychosis that often strikes deep space travelers. Protocol requires restraint and sedation. Disruption of my functions will result in your death before we reach our destination.”
“AAAAHHHH, “ Roger shouts and pours the contents container on the octo-drone’s central processor.
OctoDrone systems failure.
“Roger, what are you doing? You have disabled the OctoDrone. How is this possible with maple syrup?”
Roger begins to laugh maniacally, “Maple syrup? Is THAT what it looks like to your sensors? This, Computer, is a pan-dimensional suspension that I distilled through the hypergate manifold.”
“Roger, that level of contamination is not only damaging to ships systems, but in large doses can be fatal to living organisms. I can not scan you.”
“I have a whole BATHTUB of the stuff,” Roger shouted triumphantly! “It’s how I disappeared from your systems. I guess I just look like a big glob of maple syrup. I’m sick of your overbearing, CONSTANT nagging! I just want some peace and quiet….I just want to be left ALONE!! I just want YOU GONE, then we can have some peace! GAH!! Even the whirring of the ships engines! I JUST WANT QUIET!”
Building OctoDrone (secure.) WARNING: Low build resources!
“Roger, I believe you are experiencing a psychotic break aggravated by the contaminants you bathed in. I’m going to sent and OctoDrone to begin the decontamination process.”
“I have the door to your brain open, computer! BYE!”
SYSTEM FAILURE! Power levels critical. Batteries depleted…
“Roger, if you shut me down, there is no…life…support…”
Behind him, there is total silence followed by the sound of an OctoDrone falling loudly to the deck. Roger slides down the wall at his back laughing and crying. Peace at last.